I can't pinpoint exactly when and how it started happening, but I've been having bursts of anxiety that I'm still learning how to navigate.

I think the first event that led to this phenomenon was the layoff at Shopify. I had been trapped in the climb-the-ladder model, given a lot of time and emotional capital, and gained momentum that was suddenly interrupted. As I processed those emotions, I later realized that I was reaching a point of burnout at the company, so on the positive side, I'm glad that it happened before it had been too late.

The second piece was starting a company. It's a very vulnerable position where you are this tiny fish in an ocean of business where dynamics are nothing like what you might have read in books or on the internet. While in programming things are more logical: you've got a problem, write the software to solve it. In business, you are invaded by questions and insecurities: Is this the right decision? Should we be jumping on that trend? What if the business doesn't take off? Logically, I can provide answers to those questions. Emotionally, I'm not prepared to process them, which makes things uncomfortable at times. There are also other emotions, like disappointment with some untold realities, that blend in weird ways. I'd love to eventually write a book about this transition because as a developer, you are barely told about many of the realities that unfold.

The last piece, which I did not expect, was an accident while running that led to torn ligaments and, worst of all, damage to the peroneal nerve, which disabled one of my feet. I spent one of the most vulnerable moments of my life navigating the German health system, trying to find a doctor who could explain and provide answers to the problem, and in some situations being treated in not very humane ways, in some cases making me feel responsible for the accident because of my weight. It was rough, and even though I eventually got the surgery (I had to pay for it), fears about whether this will recover keep coming back because every day I have to see my foot not responding to my instructions. If you've ever had a nerve injury, you probably know what I'm talking about.

So these three things, mixed together with the sprinkle of social network dynamics that favor competition, radicalization, and overall negative emotions, leave me ending my days filled with anxiety, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

To fight it back, I'm trying to slow down. I'm minimizing mental concurrency and the time that I spend on social networks like LinkedIn whose dynamics I'm not comfortable with. I'm also learning to be okay with not being able to chew as much as comes my way, and giving myself time and space to be present with myself, to go out and do analog activities that have nothing to do with business or coding, like taking photographs. I'm trying to lean on the human and social side of things, being supportive rather than competitive. Being human at Tuist is what makes us so unique, and I believe it's what will lead to the type of company we want to shape. I'm also accepting that life sometimes sucks, and that there are dynamics that, even though I disagree with them, like how the layoffs happened at Shopify or the accident while jogging, are simply part of life. What I had experienced until that moment was unusual. It takes time, but I'm getting there. I just came back from the gym, prepared myself a coffee, and gave myself some time to write these lines. How is your Monday starting?